Why is “Settling” Such a Charged Word?

Photo by Jon Tyson

After recently reading Lori Gottlieb’s book Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough, I was left contemplating why the word “settling” feels so charged. I work with many clients in their 20’s and 30’s who are frustrated by, unsatisfied with, and confused by their love life. They certainly don’t want to settle, but can’t seem to find the right person that has it all. Where is the disconnect for so many of us struggling to find love? In this blog post, I’ll try to help illuminate some of the key findings I was left with from Lori Gottlieb’s book, and explain why I think we might need to rethink the word settling. 

It’s worth noting that this book has been written primarily from a heteronormative, monogamous perspective. However, it has lessons and can provoke interesting thoughts no matter your gender identity, relationship status, or relationship configuration. As always, take what you want and leave the rest!

“Settling” often comes with a negative connotation. When I googled it, one of the definitions I found was to “accept or agree to (something that one considers to be less than satisfactory)”. We assume that by settling, we’re taking a partner who’s “less than satisfactory”, but where does this notion come from in a romantic sense? I think back to the movies, tv shows and music I grew up with, which inundated me with ideas that true love looks like finding Prince Charming. Disney Movies, Nora Ephron’s rom-coms, and articles in Cosmopolitan made me think that I should never settle for a partner or relationship if it wasn’t absolutely perfect, meeting every single one of my high standards. Settling, I’ve come to realize, made me feel like I was failing. Failing at finding love, failing at finding the best partner, failing at finding “the one”. This constant barrage of media has created a false image of the “ideal” relationship and partner, choosing romanticism over reality in most cases. What these stories missed or chose to omit, is the truth, that every person has flaws, and that relationships are hard work.

So, in my opinion, settling doesn’t have to be viewed as such a dirty word. In my mind, settling could and should be replaced by compromise. We all inherently know that once you’re in a relationship, you are constantly compromising with your partner. But that very same mentality doesn’t seem to apply when we are choosing our partner. We expect them to meet every single quality and character trait on our long and often impossible criteria list, rather than acknowledging that we might have to compromise on certain qualities. Whether a partner is 6’5 or 5’5 probably has little correlation to being a good parent, if you’re looking to have children. Perfectionism can rob us of happiness, as I’ve seen with so many clients that are struggling to find a relationship with a partner. Maybe a “good enough” partner is better than no partner at all. And there’s no shame in that. Even for the modern woman who has more choice than ever, and no longer needs a partner to support them financially. Don’t let great be the enemy of good.

So you might find yourself wondering, where and how do I start to shift my mindset on this idea of “settling” for a good enough partner? A good place to start is by accepting your own flaws - how can you recognize that someone else is imperfect if you are trying so hard to be perfect yourself? By acknowledging where and when you feel angry, sad, jealous, needy, frustrated (etc.), you’ll be able to more comfortably accept that someone else can have those emotions and experiences too. Being “perfect” is really only being one half of you. By integrating the other parts of you, you will show up in a romantic relationship as a more wholesome person, and invite and attract a person to be their whole self in return. Another good place to start may be to write out a list of all your desires for a partner. Then, cut out all but 5 of those qualities. Try to focus on the few things that are most important to you, dealbreakers, non-negotiables. Everything else should be viewed as a nice-to-have cherry on top. By taking this more realistic approach to a person, you might find that the pool of potential lovers has widened significantly. 

Written by Nicole Rothschild, MFT (she/her)

Nicole Rothschild, MFT (she/her), is a compassionate Marriage and Family Therapist in NYC. She offers a compassionate and collaborative approach, drawing on modalities that bring clients into their bodies to experience more emotional freedom and expression. With expertise in relational dynamics and emotional expression, she supports individuals, couples, and families, including LGBTQ+, poly, and interracial couples, in navigating anxiety, trauma, substance use, and life transitions.