Digging Deeper, Together: An Inclusive Support Group for Black Men

Photo by JD Urban

Dagem Lemma, LMSW (he/him) received his Masters in Social Work for New York University. He has worked at NY Health and Hospitals and Visiting Nurse Services before devoting time to individual and group psychotherapy at LBT. His specialties are men's issues and immigrant concerns.

I heard somewhere that the first time some Black men receive flowers is at their funeral. This stark reality, upon reflection, doesn’t sound much like news—right? Flower-giving, in the broad sense, is a tradition of encouraging intimate connections with one another, conveying warmth, and communicating emotions; to say, “I see you.” Though, for a lot of Black men, being seen is often a luxury, stemming from a culture that rarely, if ever, acknowledges our emotional needs, let alone meets them. This can be damaging to one’s sense of self. 

When the need to feel connected is neglected by those around us, these feelings can be internalized and cause us to strain or blur our connection with ourselves. How we deal with our emotions is often influenced by how the world around us. From loved ones to the culture we live in, all interactions affect our emotions, especially how they are reflected back to us. If you’re told not to cry when you feel upset, then you learn that you shouldn’t acknowledge your pain and work through it. This innate need for intimate connections can also be met by skewed responses—which is often the case when false Ideas of “negative behavior” gets reflected back towards Black men.  For example, when grade school teachers’ individual attention is often only shifted to “misbehaving” young boys, or the predominant perception of Black men as threatening menaces—it’s hard to feel wholesomely seen. How we see ourselves can be influenced by how some people in the world see us. And we wonder why so many Black men are hurting in silence and solitude. 

Sometimes, even when support is offered, we choose to hurt in silence. Misleading ideas of masculinity have us shouldering our pain and saying, “I’m good.” We find it hard to access our emotional landscape, and when we do, we can only identify with anger, happiness, or sadness. Our emotional awareness is stunted because we haven’t worked the muscles that grow it—the emotional muscles. In the movie, Creed III, the characters Creed and Damian battle out years of trauma through something both are proficient in—boxing. Round after round, not a word is spoken; they swing jabs and uppercuts that leave both bleeding and aching still. It is not until the very end, after so much hurt and loss, that all that they bottled up comes out. They are left having hurt themselves and one another. At the end of this movie, they depart from each other…

We do not have to go it alone.

So, where do we go from here? 

In one of the cornerstone marches of the Civil Rights Movement, sanitation workers in Memphis marched together for equal rights with a simple slogan: “I AM A MAN.” This was a historic moment of support that does not have to happen only in protest. We can reflect on these moments and acknowledge that a lot has changed in our world as -we are learning to challenge notions of masculinity that do not benefit us - and a lot hasn’t changed. But we don’t have to wait for anyone else’s acknowledgment of us to heal. That time comes from within us. That time is now. 

If you’re a Black man reading this, I want you to know that you are real, and I see you! I also want to invite you to join our support group, where we’re creating a mutually affirming space, to support and connect with one another.

 If there’s a Black man in your life, give them their flowers while they can smell them. Don’t let them go twelve rounds in a ring swinging. Let them know they matter to you, that you see them; that it’s OK for them to be vulnerable with you. And if they are vulnerable with you, please hold space and not shame them, either directly or indirectly. Honor their bravery and emotional strength.

If we want to grow something, we must cultivate it; give it the right resources to flourish, but also provide it with the right environment. To grow our emotional garden, it should be no different. I admit, it’s a tough ask to create this space for yourself, especially doing it in a world where you don’t feel truly seen. We’re building ourselves up by digging deeper, together. We’re validating each other by validating ourselves in the community. 

Digging Deeper: a virtual support group for Black men - cis/trans/queer inclusive

We're inviting folks who identify as Black men from different spaces and stages of life to step into a space where listening to and holding space for one another is at the heart of this group to facilitate healing.

Purpose of group:

• Cultivating a mutually supportive space to connect with one another and with oneself. 

• Exploring the full range of emotions and understanding their expressions.

• Facilitating inner healing by learning and practicing tools of well-being.

• Promoting the value of vulnerability and self-acceptance.

• Understanding detriments to individual and communal well-being within systems of oppression. 

• Challenging notions of masculinity that do not facilitate healing within oneself or our community.

This is for you if:

• You find yourself blindsided by emotions, or frequently butting heads with those close to you.

• You are interested in connecting and building a deep relationship with others in a safe, accepting space.

• You feel burnt out.

• You want to be better equipped to process your feelings and thoughts.

• You would like to be in therapy but can’t afford it or don’t have access to health insurance

Age: 18+

Limited to 8 members

When: Saturdays 10 AM - 11:30 AM for 10 weeks* via Zoom starting June 3, 2023. *You can miss two sessions and still be included in this group. 

Cost: $25 per session; $250 for the full workshop

By: Dagem Lemma, LMSW (he/him)